"I can't take this 'daddy beats me because he loves me' excuse."

I really wish I could articulate what is going on in my mind.
It always seems to come down to this. I'm totally inspired to write, but I have no clue what to write about, even though my mind is racing. Ugh. Well, here goes.
So I watched the movie Something Borrowed.
Twice.
(Yes, I know, chick flick, but I promise this is a good one.)
It really related to me.
No really.
It did.
I especially related to the main character, Rachel.
I don't want to give away too much of the movie, or the ending for that matter, because it's that good...that you should see it.
But. Essentially. Rachel has this big conclusion about herself in the end.
She goes through a lot.
She does a lot of thinking.
She does a lot of advice seeking from her best guy friend.
And in the end, she realizes for herself (with a little kick in the butt from her friend) what she needs to do, the kind of person she's being, and how she needs to change.
Okay. So what?
So say I'm Rachel.
I go through a lot.
I do a lot of thinking.
I do a lot of advice seeking from her best friend(s).
This is the end. This is me realizing for myself (with a little kick in the butt from her friend(s)/brother) what I need to do, the kind of person I'm being, and how I need to change.
What?
Yeah, I told you I've had a lot on my mind.
So here's my conclusion. My ending.
Sometimes we go through life thinking we're doing the right thing. We let things happen. We sometimes give people the benefit of the doubt. We allow those we care so deeply about to seemingly walk on us, thinking it's what you're supposed to do.
But sometimes, we have to take charge.
Sometimes we have to really evaluate our lives and think, What is it that I really want?
Because ultimately, it's about the big "I."
You can't live your life trying to change someone.
You can't live your life trying to be someone or something you're not.
You can't live your life trying to make decisions based off what someone else might think.
You can't do it.
The only thing you can do is think about you.
Think about what YOU want.
What makes YOU happy.
Regardless of what the mass populous might think.
Regardless of what people around you might think.
Regardless of what the most important person in your life might think.
Obviously the opinions of those others come into play.
But when you spend time trying to chase something that is seemingly unobtainable, trying to win a game you just can't win, trying to change something that just won't change...you lose time on something that is obtainable, a game that you can win, something you actually can change.
And this might not make sense.
And maybe you don't agree.
But until you are married and have your own children...who do you really have to think about?
When you're a 19 year old girl, succeeding in college, with opportunities surrounding you...who do you really have to think about?
You.
You need to be happy.
You need to be treated right.
You need to make decisions in a way that will positively impact you.
So since Sunday, I've really been evaluating myself.
What am I doing?
What kind of decisions have I been making?
What kind of life am I living?
What kind of people am I associating with?
And with that, I conclude.
This is my first summer in college. One of the last summers I'll spend at home. Three precious months of relaxation, before jumping head first into 17 credit hours and marching band in the fall.
This is the summer where I take charge of my life, where I decide what kind of person I'm going to be, who really matters to me, and what is really worth pursuing.
And maybe I won't have an ending like the one in Something Borrowed.
Or maybe I will. Who knows?
All I know is that life is too short to sit around waiting for a happy ending.
But I can start writing mine now.

Here's to you: #3

He really annoyed me.
I broke his trucks.
He got me in trouble.
We got in fights.
I bit him.
He pulled a pencil out of my mouth.
I got braces.
He was annoying!
I told my parents I hated him.
My mom asked if she should take him back to the hospital.
I hesitated.
"No...No...you and Daddy still love him!"
He always played on the computer or played video games.
"Scarlett, do you want to play?"
"No. Leave me alone!"
(Okay, maybe I was a little bit mean.)
And then he grew up.
It was around when I was 16 and he was 14.
We started relating to each other.
We could actually...talk.
He's now my best friend.
We tell each other stories.
We hang out.
We rap to Lil Wayne while driving around.
We laugh at stupid YouTube videos.
We have "The Hangover" movie watching nights.
We kill zombies...on COD.
We come to each other for advice. (Well mostly me to him. Weird? Maybe.)
We tell each other everything.
We have each others backs.
And I have to admit...I admire him.
He is an example to me.
He is mature beyond his age. (Usually. And not only in appearance.)
He is honest and loyal and trustworthy.
He is so talented.
This weekend he went to prom.
I was so excited for him. He's all grown up.
Seeing him looking all sharp in his tux made me realize.
How proud I am of him, and the person he's become.
How responsible he is.
How I never have to worry about him getting into trouble, or making a bad choice.
How sometimes he puts me to shame. (Sometimes, I think my parents like him more. :P)
How I know we'll always be close even when we grow up.
How I'm glad that I'm able to not only have a brother, but a best friend.
So here's to you,
Salud!

"In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns."

When girls are little they often dream about being a princess.
They dream of wearing big beautiful dresses. Riding in carriages. Living in castles. Marrying a prince charming.
I too dreamed of being a princess.
...A mafia princess, that is.
Okay, maybe I didn't exactly dream of this when I was very little. I, as most young children, wasn't aware of what a mob even was.
My daddy always watched mobster movies though. The Godfather. Goodfellas. Stuff like that was usually playing in the background of our house.
Eventually I began taking interest in these movies. Fascinated with the mafia culture.
My daddy explained to me the backgrounds of the families, the terminology, what they did.
I was intrigued.
We often went to my grandpa's house after church on Sundays.
I never really saw anything out of the ordinary with my grandpa.
As far as I can remember, he's always been a larger guy, hair always slicked back. Gold chain. Fat gold rings on each finger. Always clean cut, clean shaven. Sitting at the kitchen table with a cigarette and a cup of coffee. Every Sunday. Same thing.
I thought this was totally normal.
Until my Quinceanera.
He sat in the back corner with the rest of the family. My friends would come up to me asking..."OMG who is that guy?!" "Is that a real mobster?" "Can I take a picture with him?" "...Can I touch him?"
I swear it.
Like I said, I never noted anything different in my grandpa. That's just the way he was.
Didn't all grandpa's wear gold rings on each finger?
Didn't all grandpa's keep a gun on their waist?
After the Quinceanera incident, I became more inquisitive. I really wanted to know what my grandpa did. I wanted to hear stories. This was for real.
So he told me some stuff. The stuff he could tell me.
I was beyond intrigued.
That's when my grandpa became the coolest person I know.
Anyway, back to my dreams of being a mafia princess.
I've seen the movies. The Godfather. Goodfellas. My Cousin Vinny. Scarface. American Gangster. The Departed.
...Gangster movies.
I've done my research. The Five Families. Cosa Nostra. the Luftanza Heist. Sammy The Bull, John Gotti, the Gambino family...all that.
So I know what goes on with the business.
People get whacked and everyone is so non-chalant about it.
People are corrupt and it's totally okay.
People burn up buildings, ruin peoples lives, with no remorse.
And this is all because of money. Or someone insulting someone. Or someone not trusting someone.
It's bad. It's illegal.
...And I want it.
They go to the best restaurants and never having to pay, because they own them.
They go to concerts and shows and get backstage passes, because they own the theater.
They walk around town and townsfolk address them by name, because they probably have asked you for favors...and because they fear you.
Obviously the role of the wife is to not know anything. She doesn't ask. She doesn't tell. She takes care of the family. She makes appearances. She benefits.
So why do I dream of being a mafia princess?
Here's why.
Because I imagined myself being part of the business myself. Not being totally subservient but rather, being cunning, powerful, and wealthy.
My ballgown? A fur coat and dripping in diamonds.
My carriage? A black rolls royce.
My prince charming? A sophisticated, powerful boss. Feared, admired, revered.
Anyway, just like any girls dream of being royalty, this dream of being a mafia princess is pretty unrealistic.
It's really a life of gambling. Literally and metaphorically. Waiting for the day the feds come banging on your door at 5 am. And then life is never the same. It's a life of prison visits and being a single parent trying to make a living legitimately.
And once the cops get ya, you lose it all. The life is over.
Not to mention...It's basically a life built out of illegal activities.
...But a girl can dream, right?

College Sin Fronteras

So I'm in this class for my Hispanic Alumni Scholarship.
...And it is seriously the biggest waste of time.
I mean we do the most pointless stuff, and it's not even a Gen-Ed requirement.
We all hate it. All 50 of us.
So when the teacher introduced this "community based" project we all formulated ways to b.s our way through it.
Let me explain what this project is.
You're put in groups with kids that have the same type of major as you do. You find a problem in the community that hopefully relates back to what your majors are.You analyse the problem, conduct interviews and surveys to investigate the problem, research the problem, create awareness about the problem, hopefully find a solution to the problem.
Awesome.
Each group was rather large, at least 8 members.
Except ours.
We had 4 members. Four girls. The majors? Journalism, Mexican-American studies, Art, and Undecided.
...Right.
We had no idea what to do. We wanted to possibly investigate the decline of art programs in schools.
Yeah, we really had no idea what to do.
After many group meetings, and many meetings with our professor and p.a. we finally decided on an idea.
Problem: Not enough minority students attend college. Often times they aren't well informed about college, and they believe it is unobtainable. They also think that the careers they want to pursue aren't some they have to go to college for. Furthermore, they think to go to college means they have to be a doctor or an engineer, something that might seem out of their reach.
Solution: Find out the barriers students are facing in regards to college. Inform them about our majors, which are usually underrepresented at the grade school level. Target them with their interests to promote an interest in college. Provide resources for them.
And thus, the College Sin Fronteras project was born.
The plan was to go to Nosotros Academy Charter School and present 5 workshops to 15 students.
A little background?
Nosotros Academy is a charter school that is basically minority students. These are the kids who couldn't really do public school. Couldn't keep up with the curriculum for whatever reason. Instead of dropping out...they come here.
Our College Sin Fronteras program consisted of three main ideas. Overcome. Explore. Achieve.
In the Overcome stage, we pinpoint what the students barriers are...the "fronteras" keeping them from going to college. Whether it is money, grades, etc.
In the Explore stage, we present workshops on our majors. Expose them to the possibilities that lie within our fields of study. Basically letting them know the vast amount of opportunities within the university.
In the Achieve stage, we provided scholarship opportunity and financial aid sources to the kids. Help them realize that they too can go to college.
So the first day, we're discussing with the kids about how they feel about college.
"My mom says why should I even think about college when I'm 19 and still in high school."
What?
"Teachers look at me like I don't mean anything, like I'm not going to succeed."
Uhhh.
These kids were receiving absolutely no support.
They didn't have parents at home motivating them.
They didn't have anyone on their team.
I was completely taken aback.
When asked what they wanted to be when they grew up, many responded, "I don't know."
When asked where they see themselves in 5 years, many responded, "I don't know."
They don't have guidance.
They don't have a plan.
They don't know what to do.
My mentality prior to coming in to the school was just to get some research done.
After that discussion, my mentality turned to genuinely trying to make some sort of an impact on these kids lives.
So as the week progressed, they began to open up to us more, becoming receptive to our presentations.
(Not gonna lie, I was a little nervous for my 30 minute presentation on Journalism. 30 min, que??)
Alas, the last day arrived. We made sure to bring in pizza and soda for the kids, just as a little thank you for having them participate in our program.
As we ate, we talked to the kids, on a more personal level.
We asked how old they thought we were.
"22, 23."
They were blown away when we said we were Freshman, 18 and 19 years old.
We even got some of them thinking about college.
“I thought College was boring stuff and that I could not find something that would
interest me. Now I see that I can get a better job if I go to college”
"I'm considering maybe doing Art in college."
The most incredible thing was this:
"I think there should be more people like you guys to motivate us. It supports us and lets us know that people still care about whether or not we go to college."
Wow.
What?
All four of us girls were speechless.
This might have been a slightly pointless class to take.
We might have been completely stressed out trying to figure this project out.
We might have taken hours putting together powerpoints, brainstorming, and going back and forth with the principal.
And it all boiled down to that one comment.
"There should be more people like you guys to motivate us."
That right there made all of us want to go back to the school. (And the kids begging us to come back helped as well.)
That right there made me realize that although I have my own problems, I can use my talents and skills to help other kids who would otherwise really have no future.
That right there made it all worth it.