I grab a water. I get in position. I turn on my writing playlist. I stare at a blank screen.
And I stare.
And I stare.
And I stare some more.
I'm thinking about everything I could possibly write about.
Trying to take all these ingredients to create something yummy.
But I've got jalepenos, eggs, chocolate, and coconut. ...and those just don't mix.
Anyway, I finally concluded that I'm just really scatterbrained at the moment.
Why is that?
It's because I'm at a point in my life that I just don't know what or how I'm supposed to feel.
My dad often asks me how many days of school are left, and I realized I really hadn't been counting down.
Well, I counted today. There's 13 days left. 13 days of high school left.
There's a part of me that is so ridiculously excited. I've really had enough high school to last me a lifetime. I've burned a couple bridges. I've exhausted some relationships. It's time to get away, and start fresh. As far as academics go...I'm done. I go to school every day knowing I just have to get through. I sit through classes with absolutely no motivation whatsoever to open my book, to do my work, to study. Don't get me wrong, I haven't sacrificed any grades...I won't sink that low...but I am doing the absolute minimum amount of work to get by. It's getting harder and harder to even GO to class.
By the way, has anyone realized the connection between the song, Resistance by Muse and novel, 1984 by George Orwell? Yeah, it's pretty crazy.
Anyway, excitement. Graduation is what I've dreamed of since...forever. I remember the last day of elementary school and the last day of middle school. That feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that everyone, no matter what clique you were in, were connected for that one day. Everyone was happy. Everyone was smiling. Graduation from high school has to feel 10 times better.
Then there's that feeling of nostalgia. I've been going through all of my old pictures, trying to gather them all into various albums and slideshows for my open house. It's like...where did my life go? Not that I regret any of it, well, mostly any of it, but I just took so much of it for granted. I just feel like I could've done so much more, enjoyed so much more. Spent less time worrying...because the things I did worry about, obviously didn't matter in the long run. There's so many lessons I've learned over the years, so many things I WISH I would've known. But of course that's life for ya right?
I think I'm taking up an addiction to Jones soda. If you've never tried one...try a Strawberry Lime one now. You will not regret it.
But back to nostalgia. I hear about my old friends from St. Pete, and I hear about what they're doing. The IB kids are taking their exams...prom...Grad Bash...just all these things I planned for. Traditions. Things I were looking forward to. And now I don't have them. Not that I really WANTED IB exams...but it's just something I expected to do. It's just a little sad. Just a little.
Moving on to the sense of being overwhelmed. I feel like there's things I need to do for college. Like maybe find more scholarships or something. I don't know. It just doesn't feel squared away yet. I haven't got my dorm assignment...maybe once I get that I'll feel more closure. It's not like I've ever gone down this road before...so I don't know if I'm doing it the right way. There's also so much I need to get done before graduation...developing pictures, sending announcements, etc. Then there's concerts and banquets and yearbook parties and work...and they're all fun...it's just like every day there's something else to do. But in reality, those are the last ones...I should probably enjoy them while they last.
Oddly enough, I'm feeling a sense of confusion with a side of doubt. I've been so excited to go to UA...but strangely enough...I'm not feeling it. Well, I am, really, I am excited to go, but I've found a strange interest in BYU-Hawaii. I've always had a small interest in it, but I always put it on the UNREALISTIC list. Well, an old friend of mine goes there. I've been looking at the pictures she's posted of life there...and I have to admit...it looks awesome. Yeah, I know, Hawaii, of course it's awesome. But really. The atmosphere seems so friendly, so safe, so fun. It also seems really church oriented (obviously, it's BYU) but, more laid back than I think BYU-Provo or BYU-I would be. (which, at either of those schools, I'd kill myself) So I brought it up to my mom today and she was so supportive of that idea. I always thought she, of all people, would also classify that on the UNREALISTIC list, but she talked it up. She made me realize how much I, of all people, would enjoy it, and she would be okay with putting up some funding for it. Which prior to bringing it up, I looked up the cost, which was very very reasonable, much to my surprise. I think I just may have been a little hasty on my decision for Tucson. Like, I saw money, and ran with it, even if there may have been other options on the table. Anyway, I'm not saying it's going to happen. I'm not saying I'm not going to give UA a shot. I'm not saying I'm not going to enjoy myself in Tucson. What I am saying, is that if I feel the same way 2 years from now (because I couldn't stand to be that far from home during Tony's senior year), I'm going to try and make it happen. But we'll see where the wind takes me.
Lastly, there's that sense of growing up. The idea that I'm a little bird leaving it's nest. I'm flapping my wings hard, and I can either fly and make it to bigger and better places, or I can crash and burn. That fate rests in my hands. Mommy and Daddy can't make decisions for me anymore, and I won't be living with Mommy and Daddy anymore. And I'm okay with that, because it has to happen. That's life right? It's just a little bittersweet.
Well, a couple water bottles and a jones soda later, I've composed my thoughts. I don't know how many times I went through my playlist, but I've definitely had my daily dosage of Muse.
All in all, I'm living up these 3 weeks, that's something I decided with a good friend last weekend. I've rekindled some old friendships, and we're making up for lost time. Because that's what you gotta do now. Enjoy life, because now is certainly not the time to have grudges, to start drama, to worry about anything.
This is it.
