To Whom it May Concern:

I just want a sign.
I just want to know what I'm supposed to do.
I just want an answer.
...Please?

When I grow up...

My parents always used to ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. They always suggested me being a lawyer, due to my competitive and argumentive nature. So for the longest time, whenever anyone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I naively said, "A lawyer."
But, I've always been terrible with decisions, which led to me changing my career several times. I went from a fashion designer, to an interior designer, to an Olympic ice skater (a notion that died very quickly, when I realized I couldn't even balance on roller skates), to a psychologist.

For a while now, however, I've been completely set on being a journalist. Then I went to orientation, and they told me I had to choose a minor. What? Thank you, now I have to make another decision.

Anyway, as I thought about the question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", it's not just what profession I want to pursue. It's more than that. It's who I want to be, what I want to acheive, what I want I want out of life.

-Yes, I want to be a sports broadcaster. I want to be the lady on the sidelines, the Pam Oliver. I want to be a professional, I want to wear high heels and a pencil skirt to work. I want to drive around town in a Camaro. I want to have an iPhone to keep track of my appointments, I want to "pencil people in". I don't want to worry about money. I don't want to be disgusting rich, I just don't want finances to get in the way of my life. I want a house with palm trees in the front yard, with a grand piano in the front room, with a big backyard. I want black and white portraits lining the walls and a big stainless steel kitchen. I want a polished dining table for family dinners and an LCD tv to watch football.

-I want to be a wife. I want a gorgeous wedding with red roses and an amazing photographer. I want to marry someone who's my best friend, someone I feel completely comfortable around. I want someone who supports me, and helps me reach my goals. I want to cook dinner and bake cakes and have my own little recipe book. I want to snuggle up and watch basketball at night. I want to be a mother...an awesome mother at that. I want to go to my daughter's soccer games and my son's football games. I want to go to their piano recitals and band concerts. I want to be their best friend and their biggest cheerleader. I want to be what my mom (and what my dad) was for me. I want to take family vactions to Hawaii and take family portraits on the beach. I want to tell them about pranks I pulled and about lessons I learned, and I want them to tell me about what happens in their lives.

-I want to put my talents to good use. I want to accompany choirs and perform musical numbers at church that bring people to tears. I want to teach others how to play the piano so they can in turn share it with others. I want to be a good example to someone. I want to know that I made a difference in at least one person's, other than my friend's/family's, life. I want to teach others what I know. I want to be active at church and have a strong testimony. I want to be the young women's leader I always wanted. I want to be someone that people can turn to when they need help, because they can rely on me.

-I want the people that I truly care about now to still be in my life. I want to know that I kept a select few friendships that meant the most to me. I want to be a good friend. I want to have lunch and go on cruises with the girls. I want to be in my best friends' weddings. I want to spoil my best friends' babies. I want to stay incredibly close to my own family. I want to always be involved in my brother's life. I want to give my parents vacations and presents, because it's the least I can do for them.

-I want to travel. I want to spend time in Panama. I want to be completely fluent in spanish. I want to taste real Italian food. I want to learn more about my ancestors on my dad's side. I want to know I lived life with no regrets. I want to skydive, be at Times Square on New Years Eve, and go to a World Cup game. I want to stargaze on the beach and see a show on Broadway. I want to reach my goals.

But most importantly, when I grow up, I want to be happy.

Read my mind.

So I've really been in the mood to write.
I grab a water. I get in position. I turn on my writing playlist. I stare at a blank screen.
And I stare.
And I stare.
And I stare some more.
I'm thinking about everything I could possibly write about.
Trying to take all these ingredients to create something yummy.
But I've got jalepenos, eggs, chocolate, and coconut. ...and those just don't mix.
Anyway, I finally concluded that I'm just really scatterbrained at the moment.

Why is that?

It's because I'm at a point in my life that I just don't know what or how I'm supposed to feel.
My dad often asks me how many days of school are left, and I realized I really hadn't been counting down.
Well, I counted today. There's 13 days left. 13 days of high school left.
There's a part of me that is so ridiculously excited. I've really had enough high school to last me a lifetime. I've burned a couple bridges. I've exhausted some relationships. It's time to get away, and start fresh. As far as academics go...I'm done. I go to school every day knowing I just have to get through. I sit through classes with absolutely no motivation whatsoever to open my book, to do my work, to study. Don't get me wrong, I haven't sacrificed any grades...I won't sink that low...but I am doing the absolute minimum amount of work to get by. It's getting harder and harder to even GO to class.

By the way, has anyone realized the connection between the song, Resistance by Muse and novel, 1984 by George Orwell? Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

Anyway, excitement. Graduation is what I've dreamed of since...forever. I remember the last day of elementary school and the last day of middle school. That feeling of accomplishment, the feeling that everyone, no matter what clique you were in, were connected for that one day. Everyone was happy. Everyone was smiling. Graduation from high school has to feel 10 times better.

Then there's that feeling of nostalgia. I've been going through all of my old pictures, trying to gather them all into various albums and slideshows for my open house. It's like...where did my life go? Not that I regret any of it, well, mostly any of it, but I just took so much of it for granted. I just feel like I could've done so much more, enjoyed so much more. Spent less time worrying...because the things I did worry about, obviously didn't matter in the long run. There's so many lessons I've learned over the years, so many things I WISH I would've known. But of course that's life for ya right?

I think I'm taking up an addiction to Jones soda. If you've never tried one...try a Strawberry Lime one now. You will not regret it.

But back to nostalgia. I hear about my old friends from St. Pete, and I hear about what they're doing. The IB kids are taking their exams...prom...Grad Bash...just all these things I planned for. Traditions. Things I were looking forward to. And now I don't have them. Not that I really WANTED IB exams...but it's just something I expected to do. It's just a little sad. Just a little.

Moving on to the sense of being overwhelmed. I feel like there's things I need to do for college. Like maybe find more scholarships or something. I don't know. It just doesn't feel squared away yet. I haven't got my dorm assignment...maybe once I get that I'll feel more closure. It's not like I've ever gone down this road before...so I don't know if I'm doing it the right way. There's also so much I need to get done before graduation...developing pictures, sending announcements, etc. Then there's concerts and banquets and yearbook parties and work...and they're all fun...it's just like every day there's something else to do. But in reality, those are the last ones...I should probably enjoy them while they last.

Oddly enough, I'm feeling a sense of confusion with a side of doubt. I've been so excited to go to UA...but strangely enough...I'm not feeling it. Well, I am, really, I am excited to go, but I've found a strange interest in BYU-Hawaii. I've always had a small interest in it, but I always put it on the UNREALISTIC list. Well, an old friend of mine goes there. I've been looking at the pictures she's posted of life there...and I have to admit...it looks awesome. Yeah, I know, Hawaii, of course it's awesome. But really. The atmosphere seems so friendly, so safe, so fun. It also seems really church oriented (obviously, it's BYU) but, more laid back than I think BYU-Provo or BYU-I would be. (which, at either of those schools, I'd kill myself) So I brought it up to my mom today and she was so supportive of that idea. I always thought she, of all people, would also classify that on the UNREALISTIC list, but she talked it up. She made me realize how much I, of all people, would enjoy it, and she would be okay with putting up some funding for it. Which prior to bringing it up, I looked up the cost, which was very very reasonable, much to my surprise. I think I just may have been a little hasty on my decision for Tucson. Like, I saw money, and ran with it, even if there may have been other options on the table. Anyway, I'm not saying it's going to happen. I'm not saying I'm not going to give UA a shot. I'm not saying I'm not going to enjoy myself in Tucson. What I am saying, is that if I feel the same way 2 years from now (because I couldn't stand to be that far from home during Tony's senior year), I'm going to try and make it happen. But we'll see where the wind takes me.

Lastly, there's that sense of growing up. The idea that I'm a little bird leaving it's nest. I'm flapping my wings hard, and I can either fly and make it to bigger and better places, or I can crash and burn. That fate rests in my hands. Mommy and Daddy can't make decisions for me anymore, and I won't be living with Mommy and Daddy anymore. And I'm okay with that, because it has to happen. That's life right? It's just a little bittersweet.

Well, a couple water bottles and a jones soda later, I've composed my thoughts. I don't know how many times I went through my playlist, but I've definitely had my daily dosage of Muse.
All in all, I'm living up these 3 weeks, that's something I decided with a good friend last weekend. I've rekindled some old friendships, and we're making up for lost time. Because that's what you gotta do now. Enjoy life, because now is certainly not the time to have grudges, to start drama, to worry about anything.

This is it.

What I live for.

I love my life.
No, really. I love my life.
About a month ago, I wouldn't have said that. But what's happening now is the reason I keep going.
Because everything happens for a reason.

"God breaks you down, only to help build you up...bigger and stronger."

I learned that at church once.
But it's so true! I just want to scream it to the world!
I'm just so happy right now, so content, so excited to live.
I want everyone to remember that everything happens for a reason.
I want everyone to remember to stay positive.
I want everyone to remember to smile and laugh at little things.
Because it's all SO true.

The friends, the job, the money, the dress, the dance, the scholarship, the jam sessions, the musical numbers, the family, the good health, the good grades, the good times...I could go on about the countless good things in my life...the blessings.

And I know this doesn't last forever, and I'm not saying my life is perfect right now, that it worked out exactly how I planned. Because it isn't, and it hasn't.
Stuff happens. So it's either I sit around moping around feeling crushed, or move on, and see the brighter side of things.
I'm going to fall sometimes, but, knowing that things will get better, that things HAVE gotten better...that I've seen this happen to me countless times?

...That's what I live for.

Don't feed the plants!

Can I just say I had the best weekend ever?
It's been a long time since I've said that.
No really, my mom started getting worried about me. I stayed home every weekend. Nothing happened, no plans. Nothing. It was starting to get old.

So for the past two weeks I was practicing for the school musical, Little Shop of Horrors. I was in the band, where I played the electric piano. At first I was pretty annoyed with the fact that I would have to put so much time into it, even if I didn't ask for it. But as the long, late night rehearsals started, I started having so much fun, that it didn't even matter. Since the band was so small, we sat in our little "music shop" and joked around, Mr. B and Mr. Schriber included. We even wore pajamas one night!

So after many wild car rides (which I was the chauffer, since they were all baby sophomores) and snack runs, opening night approached. We were all excited as ever, but I was extremely nervous for my fat solo in "Somewhere that's Green." Of course most wouldn't notice it, but I could, and I knew that at every single rehearsal, I didn't play it up to par. But that night, I nailed it!

Friday was even more fun. Mommy took me to Barro's after school, which I was craving, and I made some conclusions with her. Later, before the show, we played a game called "Yo Mamma" with the cast. They were such awesome kids! We then did vocal warm ups with them, and we didn't sound half bad! Needless to say, the show was a little shaky, but it happens. Afterwards, Daniela invited me to hang out with her friends--which was super exciting. I was going out for once!! haha. So we did some party hopping. Wound up talking to a random kid. And ended up at her house, having Girl Talk until 1 am, and having stark realizations. It was awesome! I think this will be a start to something new. :)

Saturday began early. I had an interview with the Hispanic Alumni of the University of Arizona, Phoenix Chapter, for a scholarship. The interview took place at the Phoenix campus, which was super far away, but I made it, no problem. The panel consisted of 5 people, including an intimidating, emotionless, old man. I answered the questions as best as I could, and I thought it went well, minus the grumpy old man. Of course, I second guessed everything I said, thinking about what I could've said, or what I should've said. I brushed that off, it was finale night!

Once again, we played "Yo Mamma" and warmed up with the cast. That's the perk of being in small groups, you can really get to know each other, and have fun. And this time, the show was nearly flawless. No mic problems. Minor timing issues. Perfect solos. Everything. It was just right. I also was fortunate to have a bunch of friends and my family come to the show, which of course made me so excited to see. Post-performance we had the traditional cast party on the stage, where we kicked back, took pictures, and had just a great time.

Then we went to the afterparty-castparty at Erin's house. The car ride there was almost as fun as the party itself. Anyway, somehow the band kids segregated ourselves from the rest of them, unintentionally of course. A.J, being the random kid he is, had a harmonica. Emily, being the next random kid she is, had a ukelele. Kyle and I, being the observant kids that we are, noticed the front room, fully equipped with a piano, a marimba, a string bass, a cello, a violin, and drumsticks. Since of course, we were all coincidentally in jazz band, we got the bright idea to play C Jam, and have an improv sesh. And it was a hot improv sesh, at that. We called solos, and even got people to scat. We had an audience and paparrazzi as well. It was awesome!!

So Sunday hit. Not a big pile of homework, an excellent lesson in YW, entertaining conversations with Alisha and Sam. Nothing extraordinary, but not bad. Then, around 9 pm, I get a phone call. "Hi Scarlett, this is Nick Gonzalez from the UA, we met on Saturday!" I won the scholarship! It's only $1000, but the fact that I was interviewed...and I WON it, meant a lot. That was definitely the good cherry on my Sundae. (haha get it, cause it was sunday?)

Those were the main good things about my weekend. There were little things scattered throughout, like talking and playing the question game with an old friend, making new friends, and moments that just made me smile. There were lessons learned, there were things that I took care of, that I had wanted to do for a long time. There were bittersweet moments throughout, the whole not going to prom thing still kills me. Having to confront a good friend also kills me. But I have faith. Things are going to work out. Things are working out.
Because, I firmly believe things happen for a reason. Life sucks sometimes. But that's when you learn the most. And when you've learned your lesson, that's when life starts looking up.
And I think I got there this weekend.

A month and 27 days.

So I'm in a boxing ring.
Every day it's just another hit.
Left hook.
Right hook.
Oh, what's up, upper cut?
And I'm just standing there. Taking it.
Like, really, do you want to hit me again? Because I'm pretty sure I'm numb to everything at this point.

This has gone on for over a week. I'm ready to tap out now.
I have a general desire to win everything. I'm extremely competitive.
But this one, this one's different.
This one I can't win.
This one is isn't a win-or-lose.
Because "winning" would require doing things that just aren't right.
And I'm above that.

So here's what I'm doing.
I'm done caring.
I've burned some bridges. Okay, I've burned a couple bridges.
It happens.
The only thing I can do right now is face forward. Not look back.
I'm not fixing, repairing, rebuilding...I'm starting over.
I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, or I can enjoy life.

I've got a month and 27 days left of high school.
...and I'm going to enjoy it.

Momma knows best.

Parents always say they're right. That they know best. Of course, when they tell us this, we as teenagers don't believe them.

"Please, there is no way that they can be right...they're not in my situation at all."

But I'm here to say that they are.
Not always.
But sometimes...When you least expect it.

I had a long conversation with my mom on Saturday. Lately, we've been having a lot more of these heart-to-hearts. Something about growing up and going to college, probably. Anyway. I was just going on a rant about something or another and she just looked at me and said, "I knew it."

And she was right. She did know it. For months she warned me about something I was too naive to see. She hinted towards something I was entirely oblivious to. She could see what I couldn't possibly see.

"You had to realize it. I'm glad you finally see it."

That's what's crazy about caring for someone. You can see when they're making a wrong choice, or when they're involved with someone that isn't right for them, or they're being taken advantage of...whatever. You can warn them all you want, but they aren't going to believe it until they realize it for themselves. And in the end, you have to hope they make the right decision and don't get hurt too badly. Sometimes you have to learn things by trying. And sometimes you have to kick back, be patient, and watch it all unfold.

I like the way my mom has raised me. I know I get her uncanny sense for reading people/analyzing situations...I just have to refine mine a little more. It takes me longer to realize my mistakes. But I'm glad she's let me learn these things on my own. Life experiences are what shape your character, what molds your personality. And I think I like where I'm going right now!

So yeah, I guess my mom does know best.
...except for when it comes to being anti-texting.